7 things to leave in 2021
“When we let the expectations of others or own unreasonable self-expectations rule, we silence the power of our Legacies.”
So as we come into a New Year, there are many decisions that we feel we have to make, resolutions, promises to do things differently. Making changes for our own betterment can be seen as selfish by some. I for one, am the biggest cheer leader of taking care of yourself first. Not only to be the best version of yourself for YOU but in turn it then is for the benefit of others. This blog was inspired by a recent podcast I listened to and wanted to share it.
1. Toxic and emotionally draining relationships
Firstly, think about the way you feel around good people and toxic people. Who is toxic that does not deserve to be in your future? Who are the people are drainers, the ones that suck all of your energy? What can you do to leave them? Maybe they are lifelong friends or family. Just because they have been part of your past does not mean that they have to be part of your future. This is a subject that comes up with so many of my coaching clients. Understandably you can’t get rid of everyone, but you can spend time thinking about those that lift you. You might want to ask yourself, if I cannot let go of them completely, can I spend a less time with them? I like to surround myself with mainly positive people, but there are ones that you know after a few hours in their company, you want to hide under the bed clothes, scream or avoid them for another month.
2. Negative self-talk
We can’t always control our first thought, but we can control our second thought. We are not going to be perfect in our self-talk but if a negative thought comes up into your head, with the future that you don’t want, then you need to find a way to release it and change your next thought. When you notice a negative thought come into your head, write it down on pen and paper and ask yourself, what you wish that thought would have been instead. Ask yourself what you would prefer to say in that moment. Whatever you think about the most you are creating. A phase that I love is:
‘Thoughts are boomerangs, returning with precision to their source. Choose wisely which ones you throw’
3. Reacting in the moment and taking the time to breathe.
There is phrase that says
’ When emotions are high logic is low’.
When your emotions are high it switches off your prefrontal cortex of your brain. Your prefrontal cortex is where your inhibitions are and it is where you do all your main thinking and processing. So when you have really high emotions, you often say something that you might regret, because your emotions were high. Take time to be aware of your emotions. When you notice the feelings ramping up, take a breath. What is it like to feel those feelings?.Then take six deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth, in a long exhale. With that long exhale it calms your system down, which prevents reacting in the moment. I know personally that when I have “flipped my lid “, my amygdala does the talking and then I can’t make my best response. I must do the breath work, in order to get my brain working rationally again and to switch my prefrontal cortex back on.
4. Stop People Pleasing
Doing what other people want you to do. It is not an easy thing to say no. But why agree to something that you don’t want to do? Doing something with resentment, can often be obvious to those who asked you, maybe it was to attend an event or babysit their dog, or mind their children. You body language and your attitude will give it away. We don’t want to let people down by saying no, but equally we have to accept that we can’t be all things to all people and by having the strength to say no, is not a bad thing. Sometimes we spend FAR too much time thinking about other people’s opinions. Stop living your life for other people and start living for yourself.
5. The guilt of your past
Carrying all the burden of everything in the past into every new year, can be utterly exhausting.
“ The mountains that you are carrying , you are only meant to climb’ Najwa Zebian
Why continue with the hardships and emotional pain that you went through and you are still putting yourself through the from the day that it happened. You are recreating the same event and those feelings of that event, every single day. There is nothing you can do to change that event, but you can change your feelings. You did the best that you could, with what you had. We are always doing the best we can. Leave the guilt of everything that you have gone through, where it belongs in the past.
6. Leave all of your ‘ shoulds ‘ in the past.
To me this is one of the biggest one. The countless times I have said this over my lifetime! The things that you ‘should’ do, the places that you should have gone, the money that you should have made, the children that you should have, the house that you should live in, the marriages that you should have stayed in. All it really is, is you judging yourself. Any time you say ‘should’, let it be a loud buzzer going off in your head, immediately stop yourself in the moment and you ask yourself, how can I rethink and reposition what I am talking about right now. Who told you that you should? You are living in a construct, that is not even your construct. It is not even your real life. Is it societies, your parents, your friends, your co-workers?
7. Leave NOT asking for help, in the past.
People really think that we should ( that bloody word again) be independent, it is our society. We should be able to get it done. So many of my male clients have a very difficult time asking for help. PLEASE do not think that you should NOT ask for help, or that you do not deserve it. It becomes so much easier in your life when you realise that you don’t have to all figured out and that you may never have it figured out. No one is perfect and that is ok. Only three days ago I had to call on several family and friends to help me. The situation has only just presented itself, I don’t have the answers yet, not even close, in all honesty, I am not even sure of the second step, but the first step was a text saying “help me, I don’t know what to do” No one knows all the answers and I wholeheartedly raise my hand to that one, but if I don’t know, I will find out someone who does.
May your 2022 be lighter, knowing that you can give yourself a break. YOU ARE ENOUGH. If any of these topics resonate with you and you want to get on touch, click here.
With love and gratitude,
Siân
