4 ways to change perfectionistic thinking
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
I love this quote because it sums up perfectionism perfectly for me. Fear can often be so debilitating that it stops us from taking any kind of action at all. We are always waiting for everything to be just right. The problem is there will never be a right time, we just have to take the bull by the horns and go for it.
A few years ago when I did my Master’s degree in Coaching and mentoring, I wanted to get the highest grades I could on my assignments. I would spend hours perfecting each sentence, feeling like I was out of my depth academically and had to prove my worth. After my first year, I let go of this idea, as I was spinning far too many plates and had to drop one or two along the way. My tutor reminded me a that ‘a pass was a pass’ and to move forward rather than deliberating and procrastinating every step of the way.
I did in fact pass with a merit, which was beyond my expectations as there was a point in my first year that I almost threw the towel in. My main motivator to continue, was the fact that my mum offered to pay for part of my study and I didn’t want to let her down. I didn’t complete the degree for her, but valued the financial investment that she made which carried me over to the finishing line.
Perfectionism continues to be a theme in my life and my business, but instead of ‘ paralysis by analysis’, I am happier and more confident to not get it right first time. Accept that the odd typo doesn’t make me the dumbest person on the planet. I am human and therefore I give myself permission to get it wrong.
Here are 4 ways to change perfectionistic thinking:
1. Perspective taking
Adults with perfectionism also tend to have a hard time seeing things from another person’s point of view. That is, they tend not to think about how others might see a situation.
For example, you may believe that you are lazy because you are only able to exercise 3 times a week instead of 5. Whereas “Julie” works out every day
Learning to view situations as other people might see them can help you to change some of these unhelpful beliefs. With the “I’m lazy” example, you can challenge this thought by asking yourself the following questions:
How might someone else (e.g., a good friend) view this situation?
Most people probably would not think they are lazy if they do not exercise 5 times instead of 3.
Maybe not being able to work out that often is understandable given my busy life. Not being able to meet this standard does not mean I am lazy. Most people cannot do it.
2. Compromising
Compromising involves lowering or being more flexible with your very high standards.
For example, if you believe that making a mistake during a presentation means that you are stupid.
You might try asking yourself,
“What level of imperfection am I willing to tolerate?”
From there, you can try to come up with some lower and more reasonable standards that you are willing to accept. Because it is quite anxiety provoking when you first start trying to lower your standards, you can do so gradually, in steps.
For example, the first step to more reasonable standards in this example might involve spending 2 hours instead of 4 preparing for a presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out of 4 presentations. Once you are comfortable with lowering your standards a bit, lower them some more.
That does not mean to say that you deliver substandard content but it does mean that there is less likelihood of burnout and overwhelm from always trying to get everything just right.
3. Looking at the big picture
Adults with perfectionism tend to spend a lot of time worrying about ”the little things” ( for example, how to sign off an email)
One helpful strategy to worry less about details is to ask yourself the following questions:
1. What is the worst that could happen? ( My personal favourite)
2. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?
3. Does it really matter?
4. Realistic thinking
Because as adults with perfectionism we are often very critical of ourselves, one of the most effective ways to overcome perfectionism is to replace self-critical or perfectionistic thoughts with more realistic and helpful statements.
It is a good idea to practise these helpful statements regularly. Even if you do not believe them right away, enough repetition will turn positive realistic thoughts into a habit and help drown out the negative self-talk.
Here are some examples of positive realistic statements
Making a mistake does not mean I’m stupid or a failure.
Nobody is perfect.
Not everyone gets it right the first time
So next time you hear yourself saying that ‘ I just want it to be perfect’, cut yourself some slack.
If you would like to explore this topic further, please get in touch. I would love to hear from you.
With love and gratitude,
Sian
