Tackling tricky teens over the Summer.
“In the time it takes to understand a 14-year-old, he turns 15.”
Do the summer holidays fill you with dread? Are your teens getting you down? With six weeks of summer stretching ahead of us, I share my top tips for dealing with troublesome teens and ensuring harmonious holidays for the whole family.
For many parents, the summer holidays are like Marmite - a real love or hate relationship. Having worked in education for 25 years before changing course and becoming a full -time mindset coach, the summer holidays were always my favourite time of year – six wonderful weeks of lie-ins, no meetings, no disagreeable children. But that was until I became a parent of two girls, and then it became a whole rollercoaster of Marmite emotions. Filling six weeks with fun activities and working around rainy days proved to be a huge challenge!
After years of parking them in front of CBeebies, the teenage years seem to roll around at an epic rate. We can all be forgiven for thinking that this phase will be a breeze – early afternoon lie-ins, grunts throughout the day and endless trips to the fridge, with the occasional “you don’t understand me” thrown in, but the truth is as much as we try to relate to our teens, we can’t always do this.
Brain power
The main reason for this is that the part of the brain used to manage emotions, make decisions, reason and control inhibitions (the frontal lobe), is restricted throughout the teenage years. Adolescence is a new and challenging phase and teens are often oversensitive, hypercritical and embarrassed of their parents. They are essentially preparing themselves for going out into the world alone, and from this perspective, criticising their parents is simply a way for them to develop a healthy emotional distance so that when the time comes for them to fly the nest, it will be easier for them to do so.
Teenagers seek out thrilling and novel pursuits that will lead to higher and higher dopamine hits.
At the same time, they also tend to overlook the potentially negative consequences of taking risks and instead zero in solely on the positive aspects of their newfound activity, confident that they will materialise unscathed. Peer pressure is a big issue, as social engagement runs at a high level during adolescence. Teens also develop a wonderful capacity for abstract thinking, self-reflection and creative thought at this time, meaning they can start to envisage their own solutions for any issues that may arise but not necessarily the best ones.
On reflection
Start by encouraging reflective conversation. This involves speaking without a filter. It doesn’t matter what they feel, think, dream of, hope for or even notice, they should let it all out. And you should do the same.
The idea is to communicate feelings. So, if you’re in a bad mood, say so, don’t just be rude and aggressive. If teenagers take part in reflective conversation, it means they will develop empathy at a critical stage in their lives.
The brain doesn't meet maturity until the mid-20s and while we can't connect with them exclusively on an emotional level, our teens still need attention and to feel loved. Although life with teens may feel like a constant battleground, preparing yourself for an easier ride is possible.
Top tips for dealing with teens
Connect
· Find a shared interest
· Expect rejection
· Be aware of your own stress levels
· Be present – ditch your phone and other distractions
· Listen without criticising or giving advice
Manage anger
· Help them find a safe outlet for their anger
· Give them space to withdraw
· Work on controlling your own anger
· Recognise the warning signs and triggers
· Establish firm boundaries when you are feeling calm
Add balance
· Reduce screen time
· Encourage exercise and healthy eating
· Bring structure to their routine
· Promote better sleep habits
Self-love
· Don’t neglect the rest of your family.
· Practice mindfulness
· Find time to relax
· Get support
Teens are highly sensitive creatures and speaking about hurt feelings as soon as possible, is a good way to stop your relationship getting damaged in the long term. Once you’re back on speaking terms, you will be in a better position to talk about any problems or behavioural issues that they will need to deal with better in the future.
Light at the end of the tunnel
Teenagers get a lot of bad press. They’re seen as lazy, unruly or poor decision makers. But during adolescence, teenagers develop the most incredible skills, which are vital for adulthood. These include self-reflection, critical thinking, independence and social bonding. Teenagers have a lot to give, but they do need parental and teacher support to channel their passions for taking risks and pushing boundaries. With some positive models of communication and empathy, these terrific teens are sure to go places.
If you also want some further reading to help you I strongly recommend these two.
Yesss!: The SUMO secrets to Being a Positive,Confident Teenager By Paul McGee
A Head Full of Everything: Inspiration for Teenagers With the World on Their Mind by Gavin Oates
If you need any help or support in this area, please click on the link here
Happy Holidays!
