6 ways to say No at Christmas
“Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish. Anybody who gets upset or expects you to say yes all of the time clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Always remember: You have a right to say no without having to explain yourself. Be at peace with your decisions”
Why is it in the weeks leading up to Christmas we feel that we have to speak to everyone we know, go out for lunch with everyone we know and never turn down an invitation. There are work events, family events and birthdays, who plans a BIRTH day in December! ( sorry to all my December buddies) There is life after Christmas, lots of it!
December can be a tricky month, trying to fit in social events, Christmas shopping, financial pressures as you see you bank account dwindling. Feeling like if you do not feel festive by the 10th December, you will not feel it that year. What if we could all just relax a little and try not to be everything to everyone and say ‘No” when we really want to?
The days are short and the nights are long, in the UK it is dark by around 4pm. It is hard to get up in the mornings when it is cold and wet outside. We are uninspired to dress up and face gale force winds and driving rain in an open-toed sandal and a sequin party frock! Who am I kidding, it’s 80 denier thick black tights and doc martens ( thank goodness for the latest fashion trend that doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon).
The cost of living crisis is also taking its toll on us all this year, with high energy prices, food price hikes and for many mortgage rates increasing as well as fuel costs. So this year more than most we should be mindful not only of our time but also what how much we are spending. A lovely meet up doesn’t have to expensive either, a coffee and a cake somewhere as opposed to committing to a meal out.
So how do we say no
You can’t please everyone all the time, but you can reduce the disappointment.
Tell everyone in advance so there are no hurt feelings.
It is very easy to put off telling someone we don’t want to go to an event but taking no action is also an action. They are more likely to be upset if you leave it until the last minute, then plans cannot be changed
Suggest a promised visit after the holidays – for New Year’s or the week after Christmas.
When you put a future date in the calendar, this can often be reassuring that you are not just cancelling without any plan to reschedule. Having something else booked in, can be a comfort for many and something to look forward to.
Explain lovingly that you aren’t trying to hurt them and that you are just wanting to take care of yourself and honouring your own boundaries.
Even if you’re saying no, you can still present your case in a positive way. It doesn’t have to come across as personal it is just your way of putting your needs first. There is nothing wrong with that.
They may feel hurt or rejected or even disappointed, so be compassionate to their feelings.
Just because you would not be offended if someone said “ no “ to you, do not presume that it would not bother them either. We all have our own life experiences and our map of the world, be kind but firm and understanding.
If you’re concerned that your loved one will be alone, invite them to join YOU.
If you want Christmas at home for a change, instead of going to family, explain this to them. If you want ask them to join you and do something.
Stick to your decision
No matter how hard someone tries to sway your decision. Remember, you do not need to feel guilty about saying no. There’s no need to be upset about it either. The vast majority of the time, it really is in everyone’s best interest. If you did go as an unwillingly participant, the likelihood is that you would be miserable anyway and not the best company. Reiterate the reason or reasons why you’re saying no, as gently as you can.
And one final word:-
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
If you have any questions or need support saying no, not just at Christmas, but in life generally, drop me a message and click here.
With love and gratitude,
Siân
